Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Psychics.


I'm against them!
Might as well get that out there first, just so we know where we stand. I think they are a load of hooey.
I'm sitting here snuffling quietly to myself and half watching TV3 (whispered). Weekly psychic Una Power has just come on to take viewers calls. The women-of course- are varied this week.
Woman 1 is clearly young-you can hear it in her voice- and is wondering whether she should split up with her partner with whom she has had a baby six weeks ago.
Una consults her cards, asks a couple of leading questions, including have they been fighting? has he children with other women...he has? Bam! yes, here it is, Ace of Clubs, good card for parenting, but not for a patrner. Girl seems happily resigned to fate. Look it's in the cards. Una says sympathically, well perhaps you can remain friends. Yeah you're right, young woman agrees- who surely might have thought about incompatablitiy before she had a sprog with this man- thanks. She sound delighted that the man will be a good provider-financially speaking. Problem solved. Yah Ace of Clubs, you go! whoo whoo!!!!
Woman 2- Bubbly cheery sort, doing a spot of cleaning and housekeeping, sounds jolly, happy-go-lucky. Asks our great psychic, should I try for a different job? Una asks... Do you have a dream job in mind?
Girl says yes, I'd love to work with people I"m outgoing and I'd love it!
Una shuffles the cards frowns and then beams at screen. Ten of Spades! You can get a new job, might take a bit ot training.
Really? our housekeeper shrieks! That's brilliant!!!
Maybe a ...with an estate agent or something.
That would be my dream job!!!!!
Well there ya go now, go down tomorrow and talk to a few agents, maybe after a bit of training you might get a job with them, the presenter of the show says laughing at the excitement in the girl's voice.
Thanks a million, yer brillinat Una!!! Than's so much!!!! girl squeals. ( Jesus, I think wincing, she really is fucking upbeat) Big round of applause for Ten of Spades!
Woman three come on- sound older, middle class, pushy and forthright. Should we move house? she demands. Me and my husband should we?
Una ask her husbands starsign.
Lady gives it, he is fishy, she is a bull. Quelle surprise, not! Una shuffles cards, declares women is boss and husband is dragging feet.
Woman agrees in awed voice. Una holds card up, Nine of Hearts, the 'wish card' you will move house! Huzzah. I blow nose, search frantically for remote.
Nine of Hearts, take a bow!
Last woman. She is older, voice hesitant and heart breakingly sad. I stop searching for remote. She is asking about her son. About their relationship. What can she do. Una -as alert to genuine emotion as a dog is to the scent of a bitch on heat- hears the quiver.
Are you fighting? She asks. Yes, woman says. What age is your son?
27. He has fallen in with a bad crowd, got in trouble... we used to have such a good realtionship now ...we don't talk.
Una shuffles frantically, I don't remember what card she picked because I was concentrating on her answer.
Don't give up on him he needs you right now. It's easter, send him a card ask him for lunch. Don't give up on him.
'I won't.' Broken hearted woman promises.
Good. Una says, somewhat smugly.
What about the first woman with the baby, I yell at the screen. She should give up on the father of her baby even though it has only been six weeks since the birth and her hormones are probably all over the camp!!!!But this woman who surely knows and loves her son after 27 years gets the trite, don't give up ? What the fuck is she supposed to do? he is her son, she will never 'give up.'
And then her segment is over. Yah for Una.
Why do women do it? Why do they ring in and ask questions of a stranger, questions they all readly know the answer to?
Boyfriend not what you thought? Leave him. ( although personally I'd try not having children with him first)
Don't like your current job- leave it.
Want to move house and can afford it, husband doesn't object-move.
Son in with bad crowd-don't give up.
It is hardly rocket science is it? Is it? Is it? Oh shit I don't know.

HOLLYWOOD TAT_ Britney's baby, Presten, probably has a fractured skull from where he fell out of his highchair a few days ago and his numbskull parents didn't notice until yesterday that all was not well. My psychic feeling on this one is that people should watch small babies closer and make sure they don't fall out of highchairs-but hey, that's just me.

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13 Comments:

Blogger KnackeredKaz said...

When I saw your post first I thought it said PHYSICS! And I was thinking 'don't believe in it?' how can you not believe in physics? But I settled in for a read anyway, thinking I might be swayed..how thick am I?!

10:45 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Har. Not very, I've done that a few times.

11:12 a.m.  
Blogger the anti-barney said...

I predict a great,long weekend for you,my precious.

11:30 a.m.  
Anonymous Una Power said...

"For you, FMC, I first draw the card 'Eleven of Shoes', predicting a brief visit from an acquaintance who once lived in the same timezone as yourself yet now is far, far away. This visitor is foreseen in the card 'Seventeen of Pints' as quite possibly being a drunk, but the following 'Four of Cheeky-grins' says that whatever you do don't give up on him! Hope this helps!"

11:43 a.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

Hello!

11:44 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hey Barney, wow cuz, you're so gifted, I predict Thursday will be the start of my weekend too! Snap.
Una, I'm literally quivering in my Vogue Boots. Will there be cocktails? Do you see the Queen of Hearts? Do you see any Queens at all?
Binty, as always a pleasure, welcome home.

12:04 p.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

I reckon you should have a go at phoning in to Una, FMC. The results would be priceless.

2:27 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"Hi yes, thanks for taking my call Una, So. I was just wondering, I've got two dates arranged for Saturday night. One man is rich and has big feet. The other not so rich and slighty nerdy... Can you tell me what the cards might say about their willies? Size, girth and so on? Which one lasts longer? Have a wee shuffle there, did the Jack of Spades come up? It did? What does that mean? Hanging to left or right? Hello Una..hello?"

4:15 p.m.  
Blogger Ms Ann Thrope said...

I had my palm read once, apparently I'm a doctor now. I don't have much faith in physics either.

12:23 a.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

Psychics always tell everyone two things....

1) you will have a long life.

2) You will be wealthy before you die, but not for a while yet.

So let's get this straight... if they're wrong about number one you can't exactly go and ask for a refund, and as for number two... before you die? I could go back at the age of 104 and say "still not wealthy yet" just to be told "ah, but it will happen before you die"

Load of fucking bollox.

2:20 a.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

I happened to pass by the blog of a 20-year-old Australian girl once. She had had sex with a young fellow called Craig, fallen in love with him, only to be told by said Craig that they were just good friends. "What should I do?" she asked the world.

There were no comments, so I wrote that her picture indicated she was probably attractive enough to find another man who would both love her and lay her. She replied that her friends had been telling her the same thing (although less concisely), but hearing it from a stranger made it much more convincing.

It didn't worry her in the slightest that name of the stranger was Gorilla Bananas. Nor should it have, indeed.

4:03 p.m.  
Anonymous clairvoyance said...

well, there are fake psychics out there and there are those who give out advices with a good basis or from a good prediction, it would be up to us on how we would interpret them and use them in our lives. now,

11:02 a.m.  
Anonymous Chakras said...

Maybe you're a victim or a fake one..Seek for a genuine one when you want some real predictions

10:11 a.m.  

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