Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Alternative medicine...

MY mother called last night to ask about puddy. The conversation went something like this.
'How is she?'
'A bit groggy, she's asleep here beside me. Poor old thing has to wear one of those funnels on her head for ten days, I think she's more upset about that than the actual surgery.'
'Etheline tells me they found a tumour in her other ear too.'
'They did, but they removed both.'
'And were they malignant?'
'I don't know yet, I"m waiting for the biopsy results.'
'If they are you should bring her to the faith healer. I can give you his number.'
Now....screech, hold it right there. Turn off the lights, there is no one home.
'I don't think so.'
'Oh?' My mother says in her most irritating voice.'Why not?'
'I"ve not bringing puddy to a faith healer.'
'Well you should. This man, he's amazing, his speciality is animals. He can communicate with them.'
'I don't need anyone to communicate with puddy, I know what's wrong with her. Faith healers, pfft, I don't believe in them, you know that. Puddy probably doesn't either.'
'You'd think with her being as sick as she is you'd want to be sure.'
'Sure of what?'
'Sure that you're doing everything for her.'
Pprepare for...
'Oh for fuck's sake! With her being as sick as she is? I brought her to the vet, that's what people do with sick animals.'
'There is no need to take that tone with me.'
'Mam, I"m tired, I'm also worried about her and-'
'That's why you should-'
'NO, you can spend as much money with that quack as you like, I don't care it's your money, but I'm not adding a single cent to his coffers.'
'He's had some great results you know.'
'Yeah? Like what?'
'Violet Shaw went to him for those headaches and she doesn't get them any more.'
'Good for her.'
I scratch puddy's bald head, wondering how it is that I cannot get through a week without a row with my mother. I want to tell her that I"m afraid puddy is not long for this world, that the vet actually said that if the tumour returns I have the option to cut poor puddy's ears off, putting her through further surgery -rendering her deaf and even then if might not work- or making the choice ever responsible pet owner must make. If she begins to suffer I must end her life, a creature I've had for fifteen years. I want to cry, but I can't because it's my mother on the line.
'You know your problem-'
Ah, here it is, the great delievery from on high, do I know my problem, hummm shoe fetish? Drink? Fear of cabbage? let's hear it oh wise one.
'You've no faith in anything.'
'I putting a lot of faith in my vet at the moment.'
She doesn't answer. And presently she rings off, doubtless to call Etheline back and complain about my 'faithlessness/rudeness'
And you know what it's not true. I just don't believe in new age bollocks.

Reiki, what a load of hooey. Laying of hands, faith healers, bollocks bollocks bollocks to that. I don't believe in Chinese herbs, cranial realignment, diet pills, homeopathy, chiropractors, astrologists, or fortune tellers. Quackery of the highest order.
Recently-while mildy inebriated- I got into a ferocious debate with a girl I know and admire, over reiki. She's a yoga buff and very good at it. But she takes it very seriously, so okay then. I'm not going to snarf at her. I too take things seriously, admittedly there isn't a whole lot of theory to kick boxing, hurt them before they hurt you, but hey we all have our thing. But when she started on about reiki and negative energy, the red mist come down.
Reiki, bollocks be upon it, is another fancy dan money making scheme by our good friend the travelling snake oil salesman. Other wise known as Alternative Health practioners. Other wise known in this house hold as money sucking frauds who prey on the weak and needy.
I despise them, with gusto.
Puddy is fast asleep on my bed now. I'm going to kick boxing, where I won't worry about my eternal soul or a higher plain of being, but I will worry about Memnoch kicking me half way across the room. What does it say about me that I almost wish he'd pair me with the Canadian?


Blogger Twenty Major said...

Your mother needs a hefty kick in the gee.

10:43 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You know, I've never thought of it like that.

3:37 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

I'm with you, FMC. A good vet, and some practical, but loving care for Puddy is the best anyone can do for their animals. You're doing everything right.

Faith healers for cats. What's next? Scientology for hamsters?

4:35 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

I thought Richard Gere was a Buddhist?

4:59 p.m.  
Anonymous Macdara said...

Well I drink too much ,eat too much spicy food,go out much and basically lve an unhealty life according to the Mother in law. And I still have a week of it to go with no time off for good behaviour.
at least you can get rid of your mother has you proved with the lift .

5:23 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

FMC - alternative therapies do serve a purpose, especially for older women who don't get touched enough. Men can pay for a temporary Thai wife for the same therauputic effect. People starved of human touch develop all sort of other maladies. Cats and dogs demand your attention when they want to be scratched and cuddled, but humans can't do that(if you rolled over and offered your tummy for tickling you might get some odd glances!) I'm sure GB could give much more expert advice on touch!!

5:40 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Good call Twenty. Richard Gere IS a Buddhist. But I wouldn't put that kind of caper past that weirdo Tom Cruise either...

6:19 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Good call Twenty. Richard Gere IS a Buddhist. But I wouldn't put that kind of caper past that weirdo Tom Cruise either...

6:19 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't give a shit about old ladies touching each other up or old ladies like my mother paying some slice of slime to pat them down and say things like 'ooohhh yes Mrs Cat there is a lot of sadness in your heart, your energy is blocked, I can see by your darkening aura that you suffer, here my dexterous finger will release your chi'.
Music to the ears of an attention seeking hypochondria driven housewife with no family living at home interested in hearing how her every twinge is probably stroke/cancer/haemorrhage/MS/heart attack/the fault of 'great sadness'
If Ma wants to buy that line she's more than welcome to it. But I draw the line at my dragging puddy up the mountains to some vile reeeking little toad who claims he can 'release her healing energy' (for fifty of my energised Euros).

6:26 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Tell your mother that you took puddy to a Scientologist and she is now miraculously healed and doing well in the world of amusing cat commercials. Then insist that she come along to a meeting with you because they are really such amazing people. Usher her into the room, then, back slowly out of the door as they begin to close in around her...

Poor puddy - that sounds rough on the wee soul. I hope the biopsy comes back clear.

7:10 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You know what the heart breaker is Sam? She is so happy to have any attention at all. So because I'm hand feeding her and letting her sit on my lap and threatening the boys with physical violence if they even so much as look funny at her, she's purring and cheeping away. Today I had to force anti-inflammatory and painkillers down her throat and even after I did that to her she went on purring and kneading the arm off me as I carried her back to my bedroom for a nap. That complete trust in me makes me very upset-for some reason.

9:01 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Why is this not working?

11:54 p.m.  
Anonymous insertnamehere said...

I just don't believe in new age bollocks

Good for you Ms Cat.

I dread the day I have to make the final decision on our cat Kitty*, even though she's savage, smelly and spends large parts of her day plotting new and more painful ways to bite us.

Still, it would be fun to take her to a faith healer.

Faith Healer: "I feel your pain Kitty"

Kitty: "Yeah? Well feel this pain, dickhead" *chomp*

*Yes, I called my cat Kitty. Yes, I have no imagination.

5:23 a.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

Acupuncture is pretty good - sorted my back right out. Probably not recommended for cats, though...

7:34 a.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

Incidentally, I don't think Quakers are allowed to dabble with astrology and all that rot. I assume you meant "quackery"?

7:35 a.m.  
Blogger Monstee said...

I don't believe in Chinese herbs, cranial realignment, diet pills, homeopathy, chiropractors, astrologists, or fortune tellers.

Me agree with you to degree FMC.

Fortune tellers - Bunk. Utter shovelers of loads of bullshit!

Astrologists - Kinda fun and good for some grins, but if they want more than a buck they am fortune teller! (see above)

Chiropractors - Not too sure here. Me know SOME of them am quacks, but when me popstee hurt him back and he go from doctor to doctor to get help with pain, 7 MDs in row either tell him to "learn to live with it" or they give him unhealthy prescription to painkillers. Then he hear bout chiropractor in town that have pretty good reputation. He go and start getting 15 minuet rubdowns and back cracks and list of exercises to do. After six months the pain was gone and that guy charged LESS than any of the MDs or physical therapist in the area.

Homeopathy - new age garbage! Give me you money, you can drink MONSTER pee! That guarantee you not get sick from... um... microscopic monsters!

Diet pills - Some DO work, but you need prescription cause they can cause high blood pressure and am not good for fat people. (Go figure) Most over counter versions am just caffeine or some other hyper making poison.

Cranial realignment -- not sure what that am.

Chinese herbs - Me use to think this was all bunch of bunk as well, but recently one of me sciencey friends was working on study to prove this type of stuff can cause more harm than good and they ended up finding some startling evidence to the contrary. It seem that through trial and error, over thousands of years them Chinese guys did get SOME good ideas. Nothing that modern science cant go better, but still, it not all hooey! Example me friend gave me was that chinese ying/yang guy use to give out yellow pills to older guys who were losing zest for life and slowing down in the field and in the bedroom. Modern science look into how them pills made and find that they am made from grinding up salt crystals that form inside pot after you boil down hundreds of gallons of urine from men. Yep, guy pee salt crystal pills! Funny thing am, when they test pills to see what in them, they find they am LOADED with testosterone (male hormone) and that am exactly what modern medicine would start prescribing these guys. So, a lot of it may be bunk, but some of it am not.

8:20 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Monstee, do you never get a pain in your arse having to write like that or is just natural now?

11:14 a.m.  
Blogger I LUV CATS said...

Try to always keep a positive attitude cause there is hope.

6:52 p.m.  
Blogger john grant said...

Hi, I must say I am the great believer in alternativemedicine. I also built an alternative complementary medicine website myself. You have a great site with very quality information. I will definately point my visitors to your site.
Thank you,
Bob Vaughan, Los Angeles
alternative complementary medicine

5:53 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Say John, go fuck a duck would ya?

11:53 a.m.  
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