Thursday, September 07, 2006

Fake orgasms...why the hell would I do that?

It has taken me a few days to read all the papers from the weekend what with the eating out fiasco on Sunday and working like a hog ever since, but last night as I lay in bed reading and not sleeping I read something so shocking I snapped bolt upright with an astounded 'SAY WHAT NOW?'
I tippity-tapped the Paramour, who happened to be snoozing gently beside me.
'What? What? What's going on?' He said. A man of instant lightening like reflexes.
'Do you think women should fake orgasms?" I demanded, brandishing the paper at him.
He rubbed his eyes and groaned. 'What?'
'Orgasms! Do you think women should fake them just to make men feel happy?'
'Why...what are you talking about?'
'Fay Weldon, that's what!' I started to read aloud. 'She says, "If you are happy and generous-minded, you will fake it and then leap out of bed and pour him champagne, telling him, “You are so clever” or however you express enthusiasm,’ she says. ‘Faking is kind to male partners … Otherwise they too may become anxious and so less able to perform. Do yourself and him a favour, sister: fake it." '
The paramour blinked at me sleepily.
'Sister my arse. Listen to this! "‘Eighty per cent of women only sometimes - or never - experience orgasm. Facts are facts and there we are. Deal with it,’ she writes in What Makes Women Happy?, to be published this month by Fourth Estate." Who, who the hell did she ask? She didn't as me! I bet she didn't ask anyone I know, I bet she didn't ask anyone, what is she basing this 'fact' on? Hum? Hum? That's what I'd like to know.'
'Who cares what she-'
'This kind of thinking gets on my wick, it belittles everyone, men and women alike' I snarked, shaking the paper furiously, 'imagine, must we tippy-toe around everything? What a stupid woman that Fay Weldon is, as if any man just wants a performance based of sympathy and pity. And then when they don't measure up we're to pat them on the head like a labrador, 'Nice try here's a bone, sorry you couldn't get one." Hah! Nonsense, what a stupid person she has become.' I glanced at him, 'You don't do you, want me to fake it, do you? You know pretend now and then? Becasue I dont' really see the point in even doing it if-'
'You know what I would like you to pretend?' He said, closing his eyes.
'Pretend I'm asleep and I have to get up early for work. I want you to fake it really well, convince me.'
I flung the paper down as though scalded and leaped out of bed. I scurried off to the sitting room and snatched down my battered copy of Down Among the Women. Oh Wanda, oh Scarlett, your creater has let you down terribly, I sniffed silently, and, clutching it against my chest, I settled onto the cord sofa- the bigger of the cats and Puddy delighted- and presently I began to read.


Blogger SafeTinspector said...

The biggest problem I have with fake orgasms is that once a woman goes down that path and her mate finds out, then that man will never again know for sure that he's satisfied his lover.

On the other hand, I was once involved with a woman that had a very hard time achieving orgasm, even on her own. None of the usual ways would work, and I would grow exhausted.
She never faked, and was up front about her problem from day one (she claimed it was because of a bad experience as a teenager). I can imagine there would be temptation to fake under such circumstances but I firmly believe the experience made me a better lover. My wife is suitably impressed, anyway.

11:17 a.m.  
Blogger KnackeredKaz said...

It takes MUCH more energy and faffing about and huffing and puffing to fake an orgasm than to gently whisper in your lover's ear "left a bit, that would feel so good".

This route ALWAYS works for me!

11:20 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Exactly SafeT and MIzz Kaz.
Imagine it, we all go about faking what happens? Nobody learns anything. What if a chap breaks up with his faker girlfriend and then tries out his 'skills' on a new girlie and she laughs him clean out of the bed? Hum? What then FAY!?
Look, if you want a gal to fake it then pay her or her time, but if you want an honest to God bond between you and your partner then everyone had better be willing to take the time and see to it that everyones toes get a good curling. It's not bloody rocket science. Ya hear that FAY! Faking is lazy! FAY! LAZY!

11:28 a.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

I'm definitely pro the occasional fake job; I can do a mean Meg Ryan! If I'm mentally not in the mood why deprive the more rampant him of pleasure. Sometimes a guy is just as happy with a Whambamburger as a four course gourmet meal. (And I've always got my trusty rabbit to fill in the gaps).

12:33 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

"My wife is suitably impressed, anyway" yeah, right SafeT.

I am too shy to enter into this debate. How can any of us know anyway?

1:00 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"Sometimes a guy is just as happy with a Whambamburger as a four course gourmet meal." Yep, but it's not just about him is it? Sometimes I like a quickie, who doesn't, but not forsaking the orgasm part, that's just wrong. Does anyone expect men to have sex and then say 'don't worry lovie, I don't actually need to come but you're amazing, here let me run you a bath and read Cosmo to you.' Not bloody likely, because they'd be pulling their hair out with frustration.
And what Weldon is saying is that we should go on a congratulating spree afterwards...I mean WTF? Next somebody will be telling us to congratulate men when they belch and fart, I can see it know, 'ooooh well done paramour, better out than in sweetie'.
This is a load of my hoop, it's insulting to women and insulting to men at the same time. I"m off now to fake doing some work. Then after that I"m going to fake having my lunch.
*mutter mutter*

2:17 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

Doccy Maroon is shy? I'm going to have to readjust my whole image of a rampant ladykiller Dr M! FMC, sometimes a girl has her mind on other things.....6 eggs, pant, heavy breathe, ....1 bunch coriander, pant, pant, scream, one ciabata, ......etc

3:44 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"I am too shy to enter into this debate. How can any of us know anyway?"
It's kind of obvious Docky, when a chap comes. I'm going to have to rethink the Doc part of your title.
Hee, my good friend Tara is a total non-faker. The reason? When she was with this guy a few years back and she said he was down there so long 'fiddling about' she was getting twitchy for him( and cold for some reason) so she put on this big production, lots of ooohs and ahhhs and so on, but half way through writhing clean off the bed in 'pleasure' up pops this guy and he says, 'you're faking aren't you?'
Well if she hadn't been it would have been a killer, and as she was, it killed it anyway. What could she say 'cept a rather sheepish 'yes.'
He were right miffed, let me tell ya. And they didn't see each other after that night, which Tara said suited her fine as he couldn't find a clit with a map.
Yes men, we do discuss shit, not in a sex in the city way, but in a graphic, 'he did what now?' Way. Usually on Saturdays.

4:03 p.m.  
Anonymous Ronnie said...

Q. Why do women fake orgasms ?

A. 'Cause they think we care.

I personally have never faked an orgasm.

4:17 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

I'm with Ronnie. I didn't think men cared one way or the other.

It's like that old line about 'leg-men.' Remember? "If men like legs so much, why are they always throwing them to either side?"

Eh...sometimes you just want to finish up and get some sleep... Yep, obviously, I'm married.

4:24 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

What? Sleep? You mean you don't get up and congratulate him after on a job well done? You don't produce that chocolate cake you baked 'specially to reward his efforts. Bring him a cold beer and fondle his manly chest while basking in his glow?? Oh Andraste, how could you? For shame, sister, for shame!

5:29 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh and hi Ronnie, kissy kissy, TV3, do they ever get the weather forecast right?

5:30 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

what's an orgasm?

5:55 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It's where you've been working with bastards all day and you're starving and the only thing in your fridge is a mouldy piece of chedder and a flat bottle of Ribena and then suddenly when you get inside your home and find that someone has not only bought fish and chips from Leo Burrdocks, but they have brought beer and jellybabies as well and lit the fire.

6:05 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Shit, girl, I don't even like to cuddle.

Yes, gentlemen, a sports-loving, non-cuddling, no-foreplay-necessary, no-emotional-talk-while-the-game's-on, beer-drinking, two-job broad. I KNOW. I'm a dream come true!

6:14 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Round here you'd be such a catch they'd auction you off to the highest bidder.
Going out to look at the house again, later.

7:09 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I've faked intellectual disourse before now. Is that the same thing?

7:54 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

No Ayres, that's masturbation. Slut.

10:48 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I really have an essay on this subject and you are right, it is a deceit and a problem. I have faked before though, if I'm honest, and I don't see a good reason not to be honest. It's lame of me, I know it but when you want to come and your lover so wants you to come and he is trying so hard and you're in the moment and well, I just have. Something to do with not wanting to bruise the fragile honour of a man you liked enough to rip your clothes off for. Something to do with the start of a relationship. After a certain point of emotional intimacy it doesn't seem necessary any more. I think youth and inexperience might have something to do with it - for me anyway. I wouldn't fake it now. I haven't for about 5 or 6 years.

It is a deceit, albeit a well-meant one, perhaps the best-meant one, but I have to admit that I have faked from time to time.

12:20 a.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Every man should have a Miss Can't Easily like you SafeT for she is a gift to both men and women is your wife attests.

I know of only one woman in my group of buddies from back home who has never faked it. You're right though fmc, it's a moment of weakness, a deceit a the end of the day, and I have never really felt particularly good about it when the whole thing's over.

12:29 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

We've ALL done it Sam, I just wouldn't do it any more ( I do think once you're in your thirities you're much more condifent about your body and more willing to say things, stuff you might not have said at twenty one or two) and I heartily don't recommend it.
I'm just upset over Fay Wheldon-who I used to have a great deal of time for- spouting such nonsense.

9:12 a.m.  
Blogger Emma Kaufmann said...

Your paramour sounds wonderful. Fay Weldon: nuttier than a fruit cake.

10:34 p.m.  
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