I'm not against them at all, in fact I love them, but I'm growing god damned leery of them and here's why.
I have just sat through four minutes of the Casino Royal Trailer. My hands are clamped and I am grinning. Daniel Craig looks smokin'(coming out of the water in those iddy biddy trunks...sweat chulutha) even though he is blond and I don't normally dig the blonds. The action looks fierce, the cars swanky and fast, the crashes and flips noisy and kaboomesque, the fights and stunt should be wicked, old school kick ass. Unlike Pierce, Daniel looks like he could kick your arse from here to Cork and back again without breaking a sweat. (Pierce would simply talk and cock his eyebrow his way out of trouble)
Eeeeeeeeee, I said to myself. But no sooner had I uttered it a cold dark shadow fell across the room and I was immediately plunged back into trailer doubt.
It looks awsome and, as I am a sucker for high action films, I want to go see it.
But here is the rub. I also waited feverishly for Kill BIll 2, A history of Violence, House of Flying Daggers and Mission Impossible 2. The trailers all lead me to believe I was going to go along, pay my money, eat popcorn and witness cinema gold...but I didn't, did I?
Of all of those films, only MI 2 didn't make me want to kick something in a fit of let down angst. And I don't like the goblin Cruise, but the film did exactly what it said on the tin. Even X Men 3, which I didn't mind at all in the cinema, sucked ever so slightly on DVD. King Kong bored the ring off me, Troy just about sucked my skin clean off and Narania...well Narnia was terribly plodding and contained more wood than the forests of Middle Earth. And did we really need a ten minute dancing hobbit scene in the end of LOTR? All those hairy toes on white sheets? I don't know.
So please, pretty please with sugar on top, Zangu, angry god of cinema, I"m beseeching you, please let Casino Royal be as velly velly gud as the trailer. Don't crush my pitiful little hopes and dreams, Zangu. I promise I will go see one worthy film this year if you make it rock, how about something by Merchant? Or Oliver Stone? You know I won't like them, I'll go to an independent film you want, Seriously Zangu, even if it is something from The Sundance Film Festival... I'll do it ... I swear, pick something with Kirsten Dunst if you want even.
I swear on Puddy, look here she is. I swear on the bigger of the- ow, okay then, just on Puddy. I swear on my Jimmy Choos. Just one loud, explosive, edge of your seat film. Peeeeeeeeessssss.
Don't make me go see Crank to get my kicks, I'm asking nicely.
Your most humble servant,