Thursday, March 22, 2007

I was asleep!

It's the greatest excuse ever told. Oh this one is a doozy! I'm going to use it constantly from now on in, and because I love you all I"m going to post it here so that y'all might use it freely too. Think of the posibilities. Did I ring up my mother and berate her for something or other, maybe, but I was asleep when I did it. Did you spend a mortgage papyment on shoes? I was asleep when I did it! I woke up and they were in a box beside the bed, yer honor, er, I mean paramour. Oh I could go on, I would go on, but I could be asleep.
From today's Mail.

"An airline pilot who turned up for duty on a transatlantic flight nearly six-and-a-half times the alcohol limit was cleared - after claiming he had been drinking in his sleep.

James Yates, 47, had been on a six-hour drinking session the evening before and was stopped at an airport security point looking dishevelled and unsteady on his feet, it was claimed.

But a jury acquitted the first officer of attempting to board the cockpit of the American Airlines Boeing 767 which had been due to take 181 passengers from Manchester to Chicago.

During the case, Yates, an American, had suggested he may have drunk a third of a bottle of whisky in his sleep after going to bed.

He denied he had been trying to get on the plane, insisting his intention was to find the captain and explain that he was not in a fit state to fly. Yates, from Ohio, had begun drinking at about 4.30pm the day before the flight to Chicago on February 11 last year, returning to his hotel room at 11.20pm.

The next thing he remembered, he told the court, was the plane's captain, Harvey Bell, hammering on his door at 9am - an hour-and-a-half before the plane was due to take off.

A jury in Manchester accepted his claims, although he is expected to lose his job following the incident which is an embarrassment to one of the world's biggest airlines.'

Sack him? Are they crazy? He's a genuis. Don't worry Yates, you can get a job in marketing anywhere, or advertising, or you culd be a lawyer, or A leader of a small island in Europe. just climb into your jammies and soon you will be master of all.

Oh, and by the by, Twenty Major, old miserable bollocks that he is, has been offered a two book deal with Hodder. He claims he was asleep when this happened. I believe him.

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Blogger finn said...

i LIKE it.

add some ambien to the equation, and you can absolve yourself of responsibility for the going to sleep part, too.

why i myself have experienced this very phenemenon! i took an ambien in newark NJ and 6 hours later found myself in the dublin airport. i do not recall producing any art though, unless you count the turd i expelled mid-flight. i am most certainly not responsible for the 3 glasses of wine i purchased, for i'd never drink such swill when of sound mind.

and, congrats to twenty should you see him.

11:24 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh I'll see him all right, there's booze to be drunk and it might just be his round.
I like the sound of this ambien, do you suppose if taken with Guinness it might produce a Bobby Trendy? Or might we need more powerful drugs for that?

11:30 a.m.  
Anonymous MacDara said...

I think you are being a bit hard on the Guy. As a sleep walker i have done some pretty strange things, Like going to the bath room in strange places or walking down hotel corridors naked. I even slept with my wifes friend you can read about that one here:!70F82F69C4299D35!1222.entry

Somnambulism it sounds funny nut it is serious.

But then he could of course be just making it up.

11:35 a.m.  
Anonymous MacDara said...

Also where can I read about Twenty getting his book deal

11:37 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sigla blog has it up, ducky.

11:40 a.m.  
Blogger finn said...

more powerful drugs?? nay. a shitload of soy should do it.

12:08 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Soy! But won't that make me all gay 'n stuff? Pat Robertson said it would and I totally believe him y'know. This must be part of some 'agenda'.

12:09 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

btw macdara - since i can't post to your blog bec microsoft hates me and rightfully so - where can i get a blow-up jameson bottle like that?

12:09 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

FMC if you want to be Bobby Trendy sacrifices must be made.

if you don't like the results you can always go into rehab and be "cured."

12:11 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Cured eh? Well I've got a few weeks spare, that should be all the time I need.

12:14 p.m.  
Blogger Kav said...

The other night, I grabbed L highly inappropriately. I was sound asleep and don't remember any of it. To keep drinking in your sleep though...that takes skill.

12:56 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Kav, I've been reading your blog a while now, and when if come to you trying to have sex with your missus...well, I'm not sure I buy what your selling here.
On the other hand, carry on.

1:07 p.m.  
Blogger Allie said...

Why are these people always from Ohio?

1:33 p.m.  
Anonymous MacDara said...

Fatmammycat: Thanks seen it over on Sigla, Tell twenty when you see I said congrats . I would say it over on his site but all mother of fucking people will be boosting his ego today.

Finn: Sorry Microsoft are cunts: Come to Beirut and I will get you one otherwise I gave that one to one of the band for his son( Im a big softee really) He lives in Tymonbarry, just go down and steal it, he said he would be leaving it outisde.

Kav: considering I got away with sleeping with my wifes friend you can get away with a midnight grope.

2:16 p.m.  
Blogger Kav said...

FMC: Touché. I can't deny I was probably trying to get some, but I just wish I could remember it.

MacD: Just read that story - classic! I was left feeling a bit disappointed though...stupid Americans giving us two meanings for the term "slept with".

2:39 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Ohio eh? Is there a natural trend for sleep drinking there that I don't know about?
Poor chap, I've bee accused of sleep dressing before, so I know where the bastard sleeps-no wait, that was Keanu in Bram Stoker's Dracula.
Just back from a less than speedy run in Marley park to find there is now cold water in the house! 'Zounds, what about my shower?' I said to Puddy, but she moved away toot suite.

4:08 p.m.  
Blogger grumpy old man said...

its true, the pilot was actually asleep.

he was staying round at our house that night. he went to bed good and early, then got up in the middle of the night, still sound asleep, raided the drinks cupboard, then p*ssed all over the stereo.

4:57 p.m.  
Blogger grumpy old man said...

its true, the pilot was actually asleep.

he was staying round at our house that night. he went to bed good and early, then got up in the middle of the night, still sound asleep, raided the drinks cupboard, then p*ssed all over the stereo.

4:57 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

What ho! Does the stereo still work?

5:00 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

This is why I don't fly. Ever.

7:56 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

My doctor has another doctor friend who took an Ambien an hour into the 5 hour flight from New York to London. He says he got his luggage, a taxi and to his hotel where he checked into his room. He woke up with the telly on and no idea how he'd got there. He was a dr! But he still thought it was fine to take an 8 hour sleeping pill 4 hours before he was required to be alert again. Mind you, he did get to where he was supposed to be.

I've heard of the sleep eating thing too. It was even on the news here not long ago. It's bonkers stuff.

12:52 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

This man is my hero.

On the other hand I share Andraste's fear. Pilots are cunts.

12:53 a.m.  
Blogger The Hangar Queen said...

Fuck off Twenty..I'll have you know some of us are ,in fact,utter cunts!
Ambien is great tack altogether.I took one once before an early flight that was cancelled while we slept.
When no one showed up for the van to the airport I call the captain and he fucks me out of it.We had a 15 minute conversation a few hours previous about the cancellation and I hadn't remembered a bit of it.
If you get less than 8 hours it fucks your short term memory.

As for the drunken zoomie.He got off because they didn't wait until he displayed intent to fly incapacitated.i.e.Sit in his chair,get clearances,do a pre-flight etc.

Just for the record I think he should be flayed alive.

6:16 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Don't mind him Queeny, the big eegit's afraid of flying, and naturally therefore folk who fly stuff.
Now, where might someone lay their hands on this Ambian stuff, it sounds like something I might want to try out, purely for research you understand.

2:20 p.m.  
Blogger The Hangar Queen said...

FMC,I have a bottle of them in my bathroom I've no use for anymore.When will you be over? I have rum...lot's of it.

6:41 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Excellent, I will also bring rum-should we run out.

3:48 p.m.  
Blogger soju said...

I highly recommend Ambien if you need help falling asleep Ambien is the best, I bought it from WWW.MEDSHEAVEN.COM no prescription required. MF

11:29 a.m.  
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