Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Drink Driving Excuses.

Holy crap, I've read some fine excuses why someone might be drink driving but the one I read to day in the Indo takes the biscuit-custard cream thanks for asking.

"A MOTHER of three children narrowly avoided a jail sentence for her second drink-driving offense after she drove away from her home moments after catching her own mother in bed with her husband.

Fiona Porter (24), with an address in Moyross, Limerick, appeared in Limerick District Court yesterday after she was charged with drink-driving in the city last week.

Porter committed the offence after she fled from her home in her husband's car when she caught him in bed with her mother.

Judge Aeneas McCarthy heard that the grandmother and unfaithful husband had been having an affair for two years and the defendant's life was shattered as a result.

Porter was previously disqualified from driving for one year after she committed a similar offense on April 22 last.

She has three children, aged six, five and three months."

"Judge McCarthy noted that she was driving while disqualified and imposed a four-month prison sentence, which he suspended on account of the circumstances. He ordered Ms Porter to be of good behaviour for two years and banned her from driving for six years.

Her licence is also to be endorsed."

Okay, and yack. I'm trying to picture the paramour and the Lilac Couch getting it on and what my reaction might be if I stumbled upon such an act. I doubt I'd drive away, I'd probably go to the bathroom and bleach out my eyes. In fact I might just go smack my head against the wall right now to see if I can shake that image from my imagination.

I wonder what her reason was for the first drink driving offense? Oh God, no I don't, she probably caught her mother doing a sexy nothing but tassels and a thong...a lilac thong...Oh jesus, I've got to stop, it's too early!



Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Thats what she gets for marrying Quagmire... giggity giggity goo.

9:28 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Giggity giggity ew.

9:30 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhh God love her, that is sad. I hate cheaters.


9:56 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I'm no fan either, but who would you be maddest with in this case, the husband or the mother?

10:03 a.m.  
Anonymous morgor said...

"jesus told me" might work in some places. like texas.

10:09 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

I reckon a judge being called Aeneas is actually more unusual than the son / mother-in-law scenario.

10:12 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They are both as bad as each other, I don't think you'd be mad just devastated most probably. I hope she has left him the fucker. I really hate seeing that it is the saddest thing, to break up a family.


10:17 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Ahhh God love her

She's a drunk driver, Nonny. There's no excuse for it at all.

10:24 a.m.  
Anonymous morgor said...

christmas is going to be interesting in their household.

10:24 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

There should be some interesting carving going on Morgor.

10:43 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know Twenty I just mean the affair is sad.

And you pair stop that, the poor girl. I think an affair is the wort thing you can do on another person.


11:03 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Murdering someone and skull fucking their corpse is probably the worst thing you can do to a person, but I agree, affairs are pretty rank too.

11:05 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Titty-nips are pretty horrible too.

11:14 a.m.  
Anonymous morgor said...

surprise snowballing someone isn't very nice either.

11:34 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

See every time I think my life is effed up, all I have to do is open a paper, and voila - life ain't that bad after all...

11:40 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

morgor I love your comments this morning, LOL :)

11:41 a.m.  
Anonymous morgor said...

*grandiose bow with a small accidental fart*

11:54 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Heh. Surprise snowballing someone after a good aul feltching session might be even worse.


11:55 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think affairs are horrendous and I blame the person obliging as much or if not more than the cheating spouse.

What is "snowballing"


12:12 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Oh dear Nonny, were you not paying attention to the recent teenage do-gooder discussion over at Twenty's? Believe me you don't want to know!

12:38 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell me, please

12:42 p.m.  
Anonymous morgor said...

just up your street nonny ;)

1:19 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My street!! Please don’t judge me of your own standards, I am a lady.

That is grotesque, I wouldn’t even admit knowing what that was.

1:50 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Speaking of odd mother and daughter relationships, I read yesterday that Molly Shannon and Selma Blair are slated to play mother and daughter on tv.
Shannon's only 8 years older, for fuck's sake.

2:17 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's ridiculous!
Titty-nips and snowballing, oh my!

2:27 p.m.  
Anonymous morgor said...

I am a lady.

That is grotesque, I wouldn’t even admit knowing what that was.

A lady in denial?

"I've never seen a penis! Vile man!"

2:34 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha morgor!

It is filthy though, I would die of mortification if a body asked me to do such a thing.


2:54 p.m.  
Anonymous morgor the nonny-snowballed said...

ha ha, I don't think it's a common occurance among regular folk.

(just teenagers and pornstars apparently)

3:08 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Ah, I'd say like most things its only kinky the 1st time...

3:10 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Well, I'd like to say I was glad I stopped by this morning but I really amn't sure I am. Not sure. Not today. There's too much ick in this for this time in the morning. I can't deal with ick before my coffee.

3:44 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Now now Sam, into every day some ick must ooze.

3:55 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

It's the pernicious influence of Twenty, leaking through the infernal interweb.

Hmm, leaking or oozing?

4:12 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I prefer ooze. Don't you?

4:21 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Yes, I like ooze. In this context I also like suppurating.

4:31 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I like 'emanating'too, ooze should emanate, suppurating ooze more so!

5:01 p.m.  
Anonymous morgor said...

don't forget about "saturate".

5:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Buddy, if you're being saturated by ooze you need more assistance than the interweb can provide.

5:15 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Secreting...seeping...weeping. But not weeping as much as me with the monstrous ick of it all. Snowballing and mother-fucking brings tears to my bleary eyes this morning. Or blears to my teary eyes. Either way, things look fuzzy and it has nothing whatsoever to do with last night's copious shots at the pub quiz, I'm almost sure of it.

How any mother could do that to her daughter - not just once, but for 2 sminky years - is unfathomable. I'd be maddest with the mother.

5:22 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I would too, the tea bagging hussy.

5:23 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Family gossip has it that my mom and older sister were going after the same dude years back.

5:36 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Who won?

5:42 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"tea bagging"

Miss Cat!!!!!


5:49 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

What?? She had to be up to some hoochy coochy shit to keep her mitts in the mix.

5:53 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

I thought only men could tea-bag. Or did I watch Pecker all wrong?

5:58 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I was thinking more of her son-in -law.

6:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Had coffee darling?

6:03 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

I for one think today's discussion is excellent, nice and juicy ;)
Medbh, more details please, what happened?

6:04 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Half a cup before I noticed some sort of horrible heat rash all over my shoulders and arms. I am the poxy blogger. I am the walrus.

6:11 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

C'mon Medbh! Don't leave us in suspense!! I've to go to the supermarket, but I'll be wondering about it when I'm buying catbloodyfood.

6:13 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

And I will think about it as I pack my suitcase to go off on holiday tomorrow - and I can't leave without knowing what happened, Medbh!

6:15 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am shocked, how do you know what it is anyway? A would be resopectable lady such as yourself.

Sam I am pretty sure only a women or gay man can engage in it.

Nonny the prude

6:29 p.m.  
Anonymous morgor said...

teabagging is for men only.

Christ Nonny, i'll have to get you a dictionary.

or just point you at one.

6:56 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

From MILFs to GILFs, a natural progression I guess. G-GILFS next?

7:00 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Nicely nailed Kim, nicely nailed.

7:02 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

LOL, this keeps getting better and better

7:16 p.m.  
Anonymous Tinman18 said...

The thing that strikes me is that, although the affair's been going on for two years, she herself has a three-month old child, which means the husband has been with both of them at the same time (no, I don't mean together).

I know nonny says an affair is the worst thing you can do to a person, but I reckon screaming your mother-in-law's name while having sex with your wife can't be too far behind.

7:31 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

I wonder who he preferred in bed?

7:37 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It's like a greek tragedy, I wonder how the mother seduced him,-assuming she was the seducer. Did she call upon Eros to fulfill her throbbing loin's rampant desire, or did she do it the old fashioned way, a six-pack of eight pack of strongbow and lacy control top knickers.
Who can say.

7:39 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Well the affair went on for two years so I'd say there was more than alcohol to it, but I wonder when he started fancying her - before or after the wedding? And I wonder if anybody is shagging anybody anymore?
Wow, this is really touching me.

7:55 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Not in special places I hope.

8:03 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Medbh! Come back and tell us, my feeble mind has turned to smutty mush!

8:03 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Haha, no special places, no. I'm sipping wine and packing, but I can't keep my eye off your blog, awaiting Medbh's full story!
For f*ck's sake I've even been ironing clothes in between here *spit, spit* to try to pass the time until I hear it all.
Medbh?? Spill it, baby.

8:09 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Anyway what are you up to this evening, FMC?

8:10 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Woking toots, working and being jealous of you and your holiday. Hope you have a good one.

8:13 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

although the affair's been going on for two years, she herself has a three-month old child, which means the husband has been with both of them at the same time (no, I don't mean together).

Yeah, but I bet there's been times when the mother's quim juices have barely dried on his mickey before he lashed it into the wife.

8:13 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Twenty now that's deep thinking, hehe, and my God you are probably right.

I have to confess I was once "the other woman" in a fling I had (with an ex boyfriend so it was fairly legitimate - and no, the third part was not my mother!) But yes a couple of times I thought to myself, for f*cks sake he's now going straight to her bed and never in a million years will he have a shower first. YUCKY!!!

I can only hope that has never happened to me? How disguisting would that be? Puuuuuuke.

As for my holiday, FMC, I'm going to my home country (Finland) and normally I wouldn't consider going home a holiday, but for the first time I have a foreign friend joining me, so all of a sudden it's holiday :)

But yeah, back to the important stuff, Medbh???

8:25 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Sorry folks.
I got caught up with puppy drama.
They're getting neutered tomorrow.

It was a neighbor dude who worked for the telephone company. Not at all a good catch.
Lived with his mother.
My mom never hooked up with him and my sister's a lesbian. She came out a few years later.
I think he was more interested in my sis than anything.
He had these really cool albino frogs that I would sneak in to see in the aquarium.

10:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

When ever i hear frogs mentioned I alwas think of Homer Simpson licking african toads and getting off his face. Don't know why, victim to tv culture I guess.

10:10 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you people are filthy.

Young nonny.

10:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Have no fear Nonny! It's all good, filthy can be washed off.

11:28 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Phew, at least now I know, thanks Medbh :)
Having said that I am now facing getting up in about 5 hours (actually less) to get on a a plane - oh, beauty.
Nevertheless Medbh, thanks for sharing :)
I'm off....................

11:42 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats good to know the place was starting to smell like a Thai message parlour.

Ea take me with you pleaseeeee! I swear I won't talk for the whole time, I just wanna get outta here!


11:47 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eva* Sorwee

11:48 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

What a party to have missed today FMC! I agree with Morgor, Christmas will be riot in that house.

I wonder if it ever occurred to Granny Slapper that she was shagging her grandchildren's father?

Ick. Ick. Ick.

4:17 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Yack indeed, I can't imagine she cared much.

9:49 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

"lacy control top knickers"

Indeed, but you left out lilac... and, as Twenty infers, they're probably a bit crusty...

10:31 a.m.  
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