Monday, September 29, 2008

Age, Lies and Downright Nonsense.

Top of the...oh who am I kidding? Bleaurgh, Monday. Tired, me, hungover me, ( yes I know, but I was away) I am fucked off to find I have a meeting today too. Bah, I hate meetings. Meetings shmeetings.
Becranked, fuzzy headed and feeling my age it was with mucho guffawing that I discovered this article in the daily wail this morning. I thought I was just getting older, turns out I'm just suffering from a disease. Quick, get up, run into a nearby bathroom and take a gawk in the mirror. Do you have this terrible disease too?
Huzzah!
Oh blessed diseases, where would we be without you? Obesity= disease, alcoholism= disease, boinking people who are not your significant other on a regular basis = disease, anorexia= disease, gambling= disease, and now aging= disease.
Oh thank marmalade. I thought getting older was a natural thing, rather like breathing and hating meetings. But clearly I was wrong. We can CURE it. Because obviously it's truly awful getting older. It's repugnant, shameful, a thing to be hidden and lied about. We must secret it away, blanket over it. Lie about it. What of our worth? It goes down with each sag and line. I mean it must, right? There's a whole fucking industry out there telling you so. 'Reduce the signs of aging!!' You too can look VISIBLY younger!!'
I don't know how I caught this wretched disease. But now that it has been identified I can address the issue. I'll drink the kool aid, buy the potions and lotions. I'll battle on and attend meetings with like minded sufferers.
'Hi, I'm Fatmammycat and I'm, I'm...35.'
'Whoo hoo, sing it sister.'
I can beam, relieved to be with other age sufferers. We can help each other overcome it. If Cher can turn back time I can too. So can you. So can everybody.
Aging, so shocking, so sinful, so contagious.
So what?
More bollocksology.

Update: I've just noticed Gimmie is back, this has brightened a pretty gloomy sort of morning some what. Now if only some one would magic me up some breakfast I might even crack out a smile.

Labels:

33 Comments:

Anonymous morgor said...

I love* the way they use any excuse to stick up some pictures of scantily clad celebrities.

*love in this sentence actually means despise.

10:33 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Feeling Mondayish too, Morgor?

10:44 a.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

What I don't get is the older I get (and look), the more immature I become.

Someone walked into the office last week at the exact time I was balancing post-it notes on my head. I had been a normal functioning person all day then, the moment I start a competition of balancing post-it notes on your head, someone walks into the office.

I am trying to justify it by claiming that balancing post-it notes on my head is better than injecting my face full of poison.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

10:50 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

If I worked in an office I'd staple things together and photocopy my boobs and other stupid things-mostly through sheer boredom and overwhelming resentment at having to be in an office. I think you showed admirable restraint.

I don't get why people are supposed to be almost ashamed of their respective ages. Admiting to 40 for some people I know would be almost like admitting they sniff their neighbours underwear while wearing nothing but a cock ring and cheap aftershave. Do not get it at all.

My god I'm so cranky I could blunderbuss a whole street.

11:17 a.m.  
Anonymous stipes said...

I was having a good monday until "cock ring and cheap after shave", now the picture won't go away. Thanks a lot!!!

11:27 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Too close to the bone, huh?

11:31 a.m.  
Anonymous morgor said...

just a tad, i'm working overtime for free while trying to do the work of 3 people on my own.

and i'm tired, still slightly hungover from saturday AND i've got a long commute to an empty house.

where's my chainsaw?

11:41 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Overtime for free? Fuck that for a game of tiddly-winks. My sympathies.

11:51 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I worked in an office I'd staple things together and photocopy my boobs

..........
Don't think they have photocopiers that big FMC

12:06 p.m.  
Anonymous The Bad Ambassador said...

Admiting to 40 for some people I know would be almost like admitting they sniff their neighbours underwear while wearing nothing but a cock ring and cheap aftershave.

Is this type of behaviour frowned upon?

Errr.... I mean "Shame on such people"

12:16 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

“Don't think they have photocopiers that big FMC”


Ahh no anonymous you can get photocopiers all shapes and sizes these days, you are probably just too used to looking at the lickle ickle tiny one you have for your nob. You know the way when you get used to something it’s hard to visualise something similar being dramatically different, bigger is your case…never mind.

I hate getting old, but I don’t mind telling people how old I am.


Nonny

12:30 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

You stripling, you!

But tell me this, where do you stand/sit on the whole colouring your hair because you're worth it spiel?

1:01 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

I'm looking forward to getting old. You get away with a lot more stuff. You can say anything you like, no matter how rude or obnoxious, and people will just say "Aw, she's just old."

Bring it on!

2:42 p.m.  
Blogger Dr. James McInerney said...

When my grandfather was 89 years old, he was still regular as clockwork. Had a pee every morning at 7:30 am, without fail.

He didn't wake until 9 am tho.

Nobody wants to live to be 100, except for the guy who's 99.



Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..."

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"


Boom tish.

2:55 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

admitting they sniff their neighbours underwear while wearing nothing but a cock ring and cheap aftershave


That Paramour sure is pervvvvy
Do you take part as well FMC?? Do ya do ya?? Huh?? Huh?? Huh???
Do you climb over the neighbours fence under hours of darkness and deftly pilfer said undergarments, stuffing the precious items down you ample bosum before clambering back over the fence??
Do ya? Huh? Huh? Gaaawaaaan , tell us, get's yourselves a webcam, we can all watch.

2:57 p.m.  
Blogger daisy mae said...

it reminds me of patsy from absolutely fabulous, when she gets "addicted" to paralox....

3:28 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Evening. *groans at jokes, ponders neighbour's washing line, oversized y-fronts aren't really considered precious are they?*

Conan, I"m against it! People should only dye their hair if they want, not because the septic ad folk tell them so.

The M50 is mental, avoid at all cost.

I love Patsy, 'When did you last eat Pats?
'1973.'
Sigh.

5:14 p.m.  
Anonymous Common Law said...

I too am.....35 and have recently caught the disease that makes you spend a fortune on a 'serum' because the Irish Times Magazine says it'll reduce my wrinkles by 66%. *sigh* It feels good to get it off my chest.

11:07 p.m.  
Blogger Dr.Ronald Wills said...

Obesity is certainly a growing problem. Over the last 20 years, obesity in adults has rocketed with more than 60% in men and 50% in women. And the signs are that this problem won't improve. In children aged between 2 and 15, 28% of girls and 22% of boys are overweight. http://www.phentermine-effects.com

6:29 a.m.  
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9:19 p.m.  
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