Friday, November 21, 2008

Jean Claude Van Damme makes me wince....

in a really toe curling way. The 'muscles from Brussels' has been dong the rounds of late PRing the blue jaysus out of his latest movie, imaginatively entitled JCVD. Below is the transcript of a chat with a young and most likely attractive reportera reporter. Read on in awe as the Brussels hard man as he flexes his love muscles and mangles his pulp and produces his head seed. Those with a gag reflex disposition read no further.

Q-There's a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?

JCVD- I like structure--like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you'll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you'll have it. By doing this I'm giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.

Q-Beautiful? Why?

JCVD- I really opened myself up in "JCVD." I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.

Q-OK -
JCVD-It was like being naked-I would love to be naked in front of you.

Q-Well, I -
JCVD-Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.

Q-So you've no regrets at all?
JCVD- Believe me-I've done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don't regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?

Q-Yes, I am.
JCVD- And are you 27, or 32?

Q-I'm 22.
JCDV- Oh, fuck. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?

Q-I don't know. When is it?
JCVD-I don't know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?

JCDV-You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

Hehehehe, oh thank you CB, thank you for sending me this and making me laugh and worry about pulpy fruits for a while. Lordy, I wonder what Missus JCDV thought of it all? Maybe she's delighted to not be the centre of his pulpular world for a while.



Blogger Andraste said...


2:41 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Yeah right, I know you're riffling through your wardrobe for a little black dress and high heels this VERY minute.

2:47 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

oh, the man has style. He should start a seduction school.

2:48 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Rule one of the JCVD seduction school, always talk fruitily about pulping your seeds, nothing gets the laydeees hotter.

2:57 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

What scares me is that his film is getting really good reviews, so you know the scum bag will only be more bold with his cheap come-ons and you know he'll be sure to make another movie.

3:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

he's been making action movies since I was in school- seriously, he used to do the splits in everyone of them. I don't think anyone really takes him that seriously though. I mean surely anyone reading that interview will just cringe or laugh out loud. The man is deluded.

3:42 p.m.  
Blogger Dr. James McInerney said...

There has been an update on this story...seems like it isn't Mr van Damme's first time to use this seduction technique: here

4:50 p.m.  
Blogger morgor said...

he used to do the splits in everyone of them

Don't forget about the gratuitous bare ass shot.

and of course the emotional scene where his girlfriend/buddy/mentor is killed/wounded/abducted.

Did you hear about when he was arrested for drunk driving he just flexed his muscles to the cop and said don't you recognise me?

He's going to be making shit movies for ever.

PS: have you ever had a chuck norris ginger day?

5:03 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

"showing what happens between me and me"

Psychiatrist, STAT!

Ahem, now he'll never replace Stiofán Seagull as my guilty pleasure...

6:08 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

ahahaha, stevaaan navaho/eskimo Seagull makes me laugh out loud too. 'SPECIALLY when he's in full pony tail mode.

Mordor, it's like that episode of the Simpsons when Reiner Wolfcastle cries 'MEDOZAAAAAAAA!!!!' hhaha, no really this whole genre cracks me up and dear lord of course I had a Chucky Friday back in the day, he's a wonder of girdle technology. I used to watch Walker Texas Ranger is Spain all the time, it was hilariously dubbed which only added to the charm... ahaha, oh naked ass cheeks, aahee hee. Too much.
Docky bless your cotton socks for that find. Ah the oily torsos, naked ass cheeks, Im telling you I have a stitch. Seagal playing the eskimo fighting the eeevil oil barons, hahahahhoooooo...god help me.

7:14 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Cheers! Now back to the plonk...

7:49 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Jesus Christ Venereal Disease?

8:06 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Don't mind if I do, Conan.

Heh, Kim, excellent.

8:16 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

There always has been something deeply wrong wth JCVD. Are he and Ken (as in Barbie) related?

3:27 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't think so LK, I think Ken has more balls.

10:11 a.m.  
Blogger Max Drive said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

8:56 a.m.  
Blogger Max Drive said...

For those too young to remember this. JCVD challenged a Hells Angel who worked as a body guard for several Hollywood Stars in 1998 with the following result;

Got knocked out on 4-Feb-1998 by Mickey Rourke's bodyguard Chuck Zito in the Score's parking lot.

It was a one-punch fight. ;-)


This is a link to the article from the New York Post:

Looks like those famous martial arts skills don't work in nightclubs, just on screen or in controlled tournaments.

9:08 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

What a tool he is. Good find MD.

11:04 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously? Are you telling me that was a really real interview?! I thought it was just genius comedy improv...huh. I'm a little bit embarrassed now...and I'd like to take my brain and scrub some of the ick off it now.

4:51 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh it's the real deal, he's a piece of work.

8:00 a.m.  
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