Thursday, September 28, 2006

The changing mole.

My mother has been the most awful hypochondriac from most of her life. She fairly rattles with the tablets she takes daily. Blood pressure, water retention, mood stabilizers, you name it she swallows it. She fears she has cancer, (the big C, she won't even say the word) she fears she will have a stroke, she claims panic attacks, heart palpitations, night terrors, arm spasams, rapid migraines, sensitive teeth, blurred vision, dead arm, hernias, heartburn, black death, polio and the dreaded lurgy.
Despite all these ailments, she is robustly healthy and if she ceased eating a pound of jellybabies a day I suspect a lot of her symptoms would vanish.
As a result us Fatcat siblings regard going to the doctor with the utmost contempt. We suffer through colds, sprains, flus, vomiting, ear aches, cracked ribs, strange rashes and just about anything we can rather than head down the same well worn road as our mother. We are all like this, without exception.
Apart from the odd bout of childbirth and concussion, we are a hardy lot. We don't for example take antibiotics, we rarely get colds, we keep out weight down, we eat fresh food, we exercise, we don't smoke and we try to give our livers a break as often as possible.
We avoid the germ riddled waiting rooms of doctors.
But this morning this fatcat finds shs has no bloomin' choice but to darken the door of a doctor's surgery. The mole I have been fretting about is going to be checked out and I have discovered inner streams of my mother coursing through my veins.
'What if it's cancer?' I said to Etheline this morning.
'Don't be stupid, it's not cancer.'
'Well, don't they always say moles that change shape are the ones to watch for?'
'I don't...look I'm sure it's nothing. How does it look this morning?'
'Well then. Like I say, it's probably nothing.'
But she doesn't sound convincing to me and I realise that she has the same hypochondriac molecules running through her veins, lying dormant, waiting to fight their way to the surface. Christ, isn't it bad enough that we have our mother's nose.
'What time is your appointment?'
'Ten after ten.'
'Call me the minute you get home.'
'I will.'
I hang up and pet puddy who is sprawled across my lap making my leg go dead (see, see!). I'm trying to think of the advert for cancer research. Didn't they say one in three of us will suffer cancer in our life times? Puddy has cancer, it doesn't seem to be bothering her much.
Perhaps I should calm down and wait to see what the Doctor actually says.
At least I won't have to wear a funnel on my head.


Blogger SheBah said...

Always better to get moles and any skin growths lasered or frozen off asap. Some doctors adopt a sort of wait and see policy, but if it's your mole,FMC, make em take it off, pronto! Especially if you are planning to get pregnant in the 'not too distant' as the hormones can affect moles.

10:18 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Dear Moley Wart,
I agree with Ms SheBah, although neither of us has any medical expertise whatsoever. Get the laser on the bastard, or whatever it is they do to them.

10:21 a.m.  
Anonymous Pinkie said...

This made me wanna cry for some strange reason.

Blog me the minute you get home yah?

10:55 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I'm back!
Okay, so the mole I was concerned about didn't seem to bother her at all. 'Malnacytic Naevus,' she said, 'probably nothing. But the mole at the base of my spine that I couldn't care less about made her go 'oh yes, I see what you mean. Very dark and quite irregular edges. Hum, I don't like the look of that.'
Then she said. 'Do you want to go private or public?'
''What's the difference,' said I, looking at the chart she had given me and trying not to pull faces at the variety of moley moley moles on display.
'About a year. But I wouldn't wait.'
'A year!?' I squeaked. 'Private so.'
I"m about to ring the numbers she gave me seeking an appointment.

11:28 a.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Is hypochondria infectious? Can you catch it off the internet?

I'll be worrying about it all day now, I know it...

11:50 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hiya, found you off Twenty's blog. Hope you get that sorted without much hassle.

My mother-in-law sounds similar to your mam. Every time she gets up off the couch to make a cup of tea, she puts on this big exaggerated limp, her entire body lurching like yer man in the Addams Family. What was his name again? Lurch?

Everything's a struggle for her. That's why she's unable to help her daughter with her two kids at any time. Unless there's shopping involved, and then she's suddenly magically fit and able.

11:57 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I think you safe Kim, unless...
Welcome Kav, oh I know all the facial twinges and tics...
My mother's ailments are never detected or treated by science, and are as mysteries and changing as the wind. I've mentioned this before on here, but a great deal of her health problems stem from the fact that she is about four stone over weight and refuses to do anything about it. AND! Kim, now that I think about it, I told her about your weight loss recetly and you know what she said?
'Oh, well, it's different for men.'

12:26 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

'Do you want to go private or public?' what does this mean?? a clinic vs. a physician? and what is the dreaded lurgy?? it sounds like my body's reaction to the alarm going off at 4:21am.

i'm glad you're having that stuff removed. less (for your mum) to worry about.

1:47 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Private, you get to pay some one to look at you quickly and pay for pleasure, public health service is where you pay a minimal fee but get to wait about for whatever over worked stoolie can fit you in. I got an appointment for October 27th, which is pretty quick.

1:55 p.m.  
Blogger Springfield said...

hey fmc...
being on ly a medical intern, i see loads of moles. things to look out for are: change in size (getting bigger), change in colour/irregular colouring throughout the mole, irregular shaped borders.

not sure how they'll remove it over there, but if it's not too deep in the skin, it's a simple lasering off process, in and out in no time!

best of luck!

2:29 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

You'll be fine! That mole will come off without a fight and you won't feel a thing.

Hypochondria is a funny thing, though. I once wrote a paper on brain tumors presenting as schizophrenia and by the time I left the library, I was convinced I had one. Every damn symptom manifested as I read them. Yesterday I spoke to someone who's had the flu for a few days, and once she left my office, I had a headache and fever that miraculously went away at quitting time.

2:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's just work Andraste, I get like that too and the minute I leave my desk I'm cured.
About this lazering everyone keeps it sore?

4:58 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

Hey FMC, Good for you getting it checked. I hope it is nothing! My father, my mother in law and my best friend have all had benign, (luckily), skin cancers removed. The latter, an red haired Irish boy in California, had 7 of them! All have one thing in common - disregard for sunblock. In the case of my father and my mother it was generational, sunblock wasn't an issue. My dad an avid fisherman just ignored me banging on about it. He doesn't anymore. With my friend he just wasn't consistent about it - funny thing is his Dr said he got it from driving to work. Car windows give very little protection apparently. He has gotten his car windows tinted, and is permanently covered in sunblock.
The whole thing freaks me out a little, as a surfer and biker I am super careful about sunblock, and despite being an office worker I put some on every morning. But years back I wasn't so careful, and in the pictures of my student summer in Cape Cod where I am ridicuoulsy brown. I hope the freckles that appeared on my back after that summer don't decide to mutate! And, the thing is Irish people look ridiculous tanned. Its such bullshit how we convinced ourselves that damaged skin looks better.

5:52 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I'm a peelie-wallie Scot in S. California and have had to have 2 moles off already (no surprise really as my mum and dad have had to have moles removed and they live in the sun-starved Hebrides). Here's what they did to me:

First a wee jag - this is the worst part and stings a bit.

Then they took a sharp wee scoopy thing and cut the moles out in a oner.

Then they cauterized it and, if you've ever wondered what cooked you would smell like, here's your chance to find out.

No fancy lasers for me. Bah! but i shoul imagine that would take care of the removal and the cauterizing in one step.

Best of luck with it, fmc, that's a worry - you're absolutely right to get it seen to.

5:54 p.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

I find the best way to deal with moles is to hit them with a shovel as soon as they surface. You've got to be quick on your feet, mind.

6:54 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

And then should I light a cigarette?

7:12 p.m.  
Anonymous Madnessburgers said...

Best of luck FMC, I have millions of moles (strangely enough not that much of an exaggeration, Im nearly more mole than skin...) and recently had to get a bunch checked out by my dematologist. He says I have so many that I should have my body photographed once a year. Kinky. California, I tells ya its a mad place. But John Mc is right about the sunblock. Never leaver home without it :)

7:36 p.m.  
Blogger Monstee said...

Yes FMC! Light cigarette right there in doctor's office. They LOVE that! It give them somthing to talk about.

9:17 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Well Sam, I'm sure your description of the procedure has put FMC's mind totally at rest.

Ever since this post appeared, peely wally people everywhere have been checking themselves with mirrors and so on. What I want to know is, What is the difference between a mole and an hemerroihoid?

Are they both laserised?

9:29 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

If you have to ask Maroon you are in deep dangleberry shit.
Photographed MB? Photographed? Not naked though surely? Are you sure it's a doctor your going to?
I am totally going to take John Mc's advice and slather on the sun cream, I have auburn hair, I can get away with pale skin.
Pale is the new tan!

11:10 a.m.  
Blogger moleremoval said...

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