Tuesday, October 03, 2006

My cat's bigger than your cat.

I have just had the most ridiculous conversation.
My friend has two cats, they are -by her account- very clever cats indeed. They do not eat food they do not like. They speak good English, they are above licking their cat holes, oh and if they are itchy they do not scratch because they know not to. And they are allowed on the work tops because if you make them get down they get upset and sulk. They only drink water from a glass.
I listened to this for a while and snorted.
'Why are you snorting?' She asked.
'Because I have cats, they are cats, they do cat things. And if they don't like the food I buy them tough shit, they either eat it or starve.'
'Yes but your cats are moggies.'
'Right, so?'
'So they're not as sensitive as mine. Burmese cats are very clever. Much more clever than other breeds of cat.'
I stewed on this for a while. It is true that my lot aren't Burmese. But not as clever?
'You know, maybe they're not the brightest animals in the world, maybe they have learned being on the counter tops mean a flicking with a damp t-towel. Maybe they know to eat what they're given and be happy about it, maybe they do drink out of the toilet bowl every so often, the dumb happy bastards, but you know what?'
'My cats are bigger than yours.'


Blogger SheBah said...

So just how do you measure cat cleverness? Is there a Cat A level? FMC, your yoga friend is in a Cat a gory of her own. Drop her like a hot potato.

2:45 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Gah, I hate this bitch already. Burmese, eh? My 7 pound calico could wipe the floor with them, while licking herself silly and farting.

3:17 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Cat a gory, oh delightful!
I don't know Shebah, I mean I'm sitting here typing/cursing/fretting about work and my not clever lot are all lying about on various bits of furniture sleeping stupidly, snoring obtusely and not fretting about anything.
Still though, how does one tell? They look happy enough, but maybe they feel...I don't know, hindered somehow by their not very clever ways and I'm too dumb to understand them. Perhaps those purrs and coos are really their way of pleading with me to read them Faulkner and play Shubert and not-as I had thought-'put milk in bowl please,' or 'rub under chin, human.'
Oh cat folly, how are ye? Poor things, I'm a terrible owner.

3:22 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hah! Andraste we crossed. Yep, the little ones are always the toughest aren't they? Same here with the little one-eyed-one, he never quits.

3:24 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Cats have brains the size of walnuts, and most of that is taken up by smell and vision and bum-licking stuff.

If you were to start reading Absalom Absalom! to them they'd bust their nuts wide open. I've lost several cats that way and I won't even go into what Henry James did to them; nut meats everywhere; on the walls, in the carpet *shudder*. Horrible.

3:41 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Do I even want to know what that last sentence was about? Do I?

3:42 p.m.  
Anonymous Eva said...

Didn't know there existed cat racism.
Sounds like a stuck-up cow to me.
I would have been insulted.

4:18 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I think it's like that thing new mothers do. 'My andy could sit up at two months.' 'Yeah? Well my Trevor could drive at six weeks.' That sort of thing. Projection. I don't think my cats are that smart, but I don't think my cats care what I or anyone else thinks. And the bigger of the cats rather enjoys licking his hole, so maybe her Burmese Smarty Pants are missing out.

4:46 p.m.  
Anonymous Annie said...

Yes, your run of the mill DSH, domestic short hairs (or domestic shit heads), are far superior to those "brand name" cats. My fiance has a Tonkinese and he's a royal pain in the ass (the cat, not the fiance....usually). He's more like a leech than a cat, the clingy little bastard. I should have whipped up a nice Tonkinese burger for the dog instead of taking her to the Wendy's drive-through after her trip to the vet today.

5:01 p.m.  
Anonymous Bonnie said...

So......if her superior cats don't lick their hole, who does it for them? Sorry, but the question begs to be asked.

5:35 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That is rather a good question. Perhaps theese superior Burmese don't poo at all?
Annie I had to look those cats up. Fancy buggers ain't they? I said 'Look Puddy, that's what fancy cats look like. Look how sleek and snooty they are.' And she wasn't down with that at all, the scruffy moggie flappybellied trollop.

5:47 p.m.  
Anonymous Annie said...

Quite fancy indeed. But who pays $600 for a frickin' cat? Sometimes I wonder about my dear fiance...

5:50 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

too right, Annie. $600 is way too much to pay for a pet when you can save a perfectly nice animal from the gas chamber for a small donation.

Though those Scottish Folds are awfully cute...I bet they're not too snooty either. Except they only drink McEwan's and spend their days head-butting each other.

6:28 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

And call each other 'wee shites.'
If I did ever buy a cat it would be a Maine Coon. They're rocking cats. But like Andraste I'd wobbble over the rescues first.

6:32 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

all i want is the day when i can say "my cats are deader than yours."

please god. soon.

meawhile, there's Cats in ur stuff doing things.

6:34 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

hahaha, eatin ur food. Damn straight. I"m going out now to an artsy fartsy thingiemebob. Wish me luck.

7:04 p.m.  
Blogger oldcrow61 said...

I am still rolling on the floor with laughter, not only from reading your post but also the comments. Love it!

8:55 p.m.  
Blogger Monstee said...

Me not know, FMC... It sound like you friend have pretty clever cats. They certainly seem to have trained they human so they get whatever the fuck they want! Yours no seem able to do that.

..but then again... who's cleverness am we measuring here anyway?

AHHHH!!! It not case of her cat smarter than you cats! No, her cats am smarter than HER!

9:21 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

So size does matter? I've been lied to all these years...

11:53 p.m.  
Anonymous Annie said...

Thank you, Kim. I've been waiting all day for that.

1:18 a.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

It sounds like men and women are just the same. Women argue over whose cat is bigger, men over whose tackle is. The difference is women don't end up going to war over it. Here endeth the lesson.

8:04 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know Monstee, I fear mine might be smarter than the average bear.
Kim- snarf, indeed.
You there Oldcrow, welcome.
Footie-Do men go to war over whose mickey is bigger? And where is the next installment?!

9:16 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cats on the worktop? Have you had dinner there recently? Or drank a glass of water, for that matter? Jaysis.

My brother-in-law's family are messed-up when it comes to cats. To them, cats have equal rights in the house. His sister loves baking, and every time she brings something over, his wife makes him throw it out, because there are cat hairs mixed in with the sponge/buns/loaf.

9:32 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Bleee. It's border line insanity. I like my cats a whole lot, but I draw the line at treating them like demi-gods.

9:51 a.m.  
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