Thursday, July 10, 2008

Body Parts.

I love the paramour, I love almost everything about him. His deep rumbly voice, the way he laughs, his green/brown eyes, his arms, his high girlish shriek when I leap out from hiding and yell 'BOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!' at him. Yep, it's safe to say I am quite smitten with him. Plus he seems willing to put up with me and that says a lot about the man. Don't get me wrong,I'm a nice person, but I am, or rather I can be, what Gamma used to call, 'a handful'.
But as much as I love that man I cannot love his feet.
They are...well they're freakish and splayed and hairy. They look like they should belong to Fred Flintstone.
Actually I don't like feet much in general, and this being summer there are oodles of pale gnarly flip-flopped specimens all over the camp.
Oh don't roll your eyes, surely EVERYONE has some body part that squiks them out slightly. Mine is feet. First of all what is it with people whose second toe is LONGER than their big toe? It's quite bizarre. And then there are people with little toes that seem to have almost turned all the way into the second last toe, a toe merger of sorts, then there are the bunions and hammer toes and yellow toenails...bleaugh. It's too much. I once sat transfixed, horrified, baffled and befuddled by a dreadlocked Trusty on a metro in Barcelona whose toes looked like fingers! It was unnatural, she could have done sign language with them. Ten long tanned digits that wibbled and wiggled with seeming abandon, untethered by the laws of biology. And she had a silver ring on one of them, which I'm willing to bet the toe probably asked for.
Yack. I got off two stops early, lest her toes noticed I was staring and asked me that the hell I was looking at.
(answer, 'I don't know, but it's looking back' complete with schoolyard sneer)
Anyway, my own feet are charming. I can just about stand them. Except that time I lost a toe nail from running, then I had to avoid looking at them at all cost for a number of weeks.
Also, the film My Left Foot gave me the willies for weeks. And Tarrentino's obsession with Uma's great big long boats collied my wobbble too. And don't even get me started about the episode in Sex and the City where Charlotte lets some sales assistant get jiggy with her feet in return for free shoes.
Shit, now that's all I can think of.
Feet, I"m not against them, because they are very necessary, and they're good for holding on fancy shoes, but I'm no great fan.



Blogger Lottie said...

I have to agree with you Fatmammycat. Feet give me the wibblies too. My sister has the most bizarrely long toes she could hang from a tree with them. Creepy.

Having said that, I do like have my feet massaged. it's the ultimate pleasure.

10:18 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

..hang from a tree?! Eeeek.
And good god no to foot massages, or head massages, or any other kind of massages. I know I'm all Chris Griffen here, but I don't like to be touched by strangers if avoidable.

10:28 a.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Feet on a plane. I know flip-flops are easier to get through security with in these days of having to remove one's shoes in order to get on a US plane, but good God in cross-garters, having 10 long hairy, horny-nailed prehensile, unsheathed toes next to you on a plane is beyond the limit of what a passenger should have to endure.

10:33 a.m.  
Blogger Lottie said...

Well Im not asking strangers to massage me.

The people I see on the DART every day can't be classified as strangers can they?

10:36 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate feet particularly my own. Himself has the most fury feet I ever did see.

I am not a very touchy person but I get regular manicures and pedicures. The latter makes me either laugh hysterically or scream, depending on the form. I tell you one thing though, hairdressers giving head messages freak me out.


10:37 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sweet jebus, ain't that the truth, especially a transatlantic flight. Hummm, seems I'm not alone in my feet squik.

10:37 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Nonny, I know, it's hellish. Just wash my bloody hair, no massages.

Lottie, if you see them EVERYDAY, you can nearly classify them as family.

10:39 a.m.  
Blogger morgor said...

I think most women dislike feet.
Well no-one really likes feet, but lots of women have an acute dislike for them.

I remember saying that I didn't like massages to a girl i knew and she looked at me in a amateur psychologist sort of way and asked "why?" , I could tell that she was thinking "he must have been molested as a child" or something like that.

Glad to see its not just me!

10:42 a.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

Old knarled toe nails.


I am wondering what is worse, them or white pudding.

10:44 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Damn right Morgor, and how rude of her to question you and your likes and dislikes. Who says you need to have a reason? I think it's quite normal not to like being manhandled.
I love my hairdresser, she is also Spanish, doesn't talk, doesn't spray water all over my face, doesn't do massages and cuts my hair the way I like it. That woman is worth her weight in gold.

10:46 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

White pudding is delicious!

10:46 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mine here is a dirty bitch, I could just about handle her endless yacking about "him" and his antics if she would refrain from molesting my head, I swear to God a hairdresser giving me a head massage makes me feel violated. I love getting my hair done in NY thought, why that home girl is shit naahh mean.


11:04 a.m.  
Blogger morgor said...

I especially hate people going near my ears.

11:07 a.m.  
Blogger Ellie said...

I hate, hate, hate feet. I spend a fortune getting pedicures so that my feet aren't as disgusting as the rest of the world's.

12:03 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Hate feet too. Mine are cute, but I make it a point of not showing them in public, because I think subjecting strangers to your bare feet, no matter WHAT they look like, is wrong, wrong, wrong. And yes, it's summer here, and everyone's in those god awful flip flops - I'm surrounded by the horrible, sloppy, repetitive slap, slap, slapping of them. Bleugh.

And you're quite right about massages too - the idea of strangers touching me...urp.

12:13 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

This is uncanny. I was going to write a post yesterday about how much I hate long toenails to the point of them making me wretch. The first time I met Mr. M I told him about it because his friend looked like he could sever a limb with his toes. Double yack.

1:41 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

I like feet, have even been known to suck the odd toe (very clean toe!). I like my own feet and love shoes that show off my sluttishly painted toes. I use gold varnish, blue varnish, silver, green, turquoise and at the moment have a dark, dark, blood red varnish on my little toenails! I especially like playing with baby feet and can nibble a whole one!

1:44 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

eweeeeee Shebah I loves babeees feets and their little fat handies emmm num num. I forgot about their blessed little tubby toes.

Also, the nail varnish for today is bright red.


1:59 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My ex girlfriend (estonian) was a beautiful grl, with feet that she always liked to "display". She told me she found feet arousing. In fact she would take every oppurtunity possible to slip off her shoes, and pop her feet up. Feet that she adorned with toerings and painstakingly nail varnished. I must say, I found them sexy as well. But having that said, her feet WERE perfect.

There are a whole genre of folk who find feet sensual. Rumour has it that Edward found Mrs Simpsons feet very arousing and that he had a foot "fetish". Then we had the episode of Fergie toe sucking on some Texan milionaire.

It depends on the feet and more particularly, who the foot is attached to.

Mmmmmm what I woundn't do to Pamela Floods feet...

2:52 p.m.  
Anonymous Manonymous said...

I was in the hairdressers once and the thingy person was giving me a head massge and the next thing I knew was that theur hand had gone all the way through my head and was sticking out of my flaps like some kind of mutant claw and I was all 'Oh my god' you bastard bitch an all an anyways would you get your claw out of my fanny slot!

3:12 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Oooh, I love the head massages. I feel like a happy wet noodle after a hairdresser head massage, they relax me so much. I feel hard done by if I don't get one.

3:54 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I have had my very first free cocktail in the Clarence!! Huzzah! All is right with the world.*

* feet are still minging though.

4:15 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

FMC - Do the Clarence still have those cocktail/wine glasses that look like the Holy Communion chalice? They told me they were made exclusively for the Clarence and not for sale. Shame, they were funky. Though religious folk may think it is.......can't remember the word that insults religion!! Help, somebody

4:32 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

very good will there be an intermaaaaview we can look forward to?

also does anyone fancy coming over here and finishing my work for today?


4:34 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Shebah, I believe they do. I've heard the Spaniard mention them. Today's cocktail was a mix of Baileys Kalua and other assorted delicious things, with chocolate powder sprinkled over the top.

Nonny, If I had a Euro for every time I wished the same thing I'd still be drinking cocktails.

4:45 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Feet can be disguisting yes, but only if not cared for or cleaned properly, I think.
Otherwise, I've got somewhat of a foot fetish. Yep, sorry FMC, I'm guilty as charged.
One of the most enjoyable things in this world to me is to get a good foot massage. I used to get foot reflexology regularly for years - but it's been ages now and I have yet to find a good one in Edinburgh.
So thanks for reminding me - I'll get on to that as soon as I return from my holiday :)

5:31 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Between folk admitting to toe sucking and now you Eva, messing about with foot woo, this day has been a real eye opener, let me tell you, a real opener.
There's nowt as strange as folk.

5:36 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fucking Romanians with their dirty feet, begging on the Ha'penny bridge, ship em all back home

7:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is there anything quite as satisfying as having a good pick between your toes.....bliss

7:13 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

I have fuck all sympathy for you. No, I'm sorry FMC, but how often have I told you? I have the feet of Saint Sebastion.
They're my best bit, after Bertie of course.
You've made your bed, now you've got to share it with Frodo. Tough.

7:31 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Frodo! that's it, Hobbit feet, that's exactly what the look like. Well done Docky, if you were here now I nuzzle your earlobe but good.

7:35 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

My feet are fug.
Mr. M won't touch them and I can't blame him.

8:03 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Why would you want them to be touched in the first place? Why Medbh, WHY?

I remember nearly puking once in a gym in Barcelona when a guy dropped a barbell on his foot and took his shoe off to inspect the damage. I swear to marmalade that foot had probably not seen the light of day for fuck knows how long, and the smell was so overpoweringly disgusting that the entire weight area cleared out in nanoseconds. To this day I'm convinced I get whiffs of that man's swampy foot.

8:09 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

2 hrs ahead of you now (i.e. I'm in bloody Finland behind the iron curtain etc.)
Midnight here, and goddammit I feel like talking feet, hehe (after calmly fighing off a guy who was the exact copy of Kevin Kline in a Fish Called Wanda).
Nothing having to do with feet though, but...
Feet can be good!
Yes they can!
Having said that, I always look at people's hands and feet when I meet them, and I totally "read" them based on that.
Myself being a nail-chewing, flat-feet ... something.
To be continĂșed......

10:25 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Oh, back to feet, back to feet.

Why do I like my feet touched?

Because............... I relax.

10:29 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

...and now I'm drunk.
FMC, no feet or toes in your love/sex life?

10:33 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can bite my toenails, which is quite a feat (pun not intended).

I do NOT lik people clipping their toenails in the sitting room or somewhere similar, uuuuugh

10:34 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No feet or toes in FMC's lovelife, hence Paramour does not remove his socks while performing the unmentionable act

10:36 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

You can BITE your toe nails??
Sorry that's very disguisting to me.
Even drunk behind the iron curtain.

10:45 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Biting your own toenails? But why? Why would anyone do that? Why wouldn't you just cut them? My, how flexible you must be.
Eva you drunken hussy, I hope you fought him off with your rapier wit.

11:18 p.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

Because you've run out of finger nails.

Feet are a necessity. And it's good for you to have bare feet.

I don't understand how people can wear shoes indoors. Or have sex with socks on! Ugh!

Now noisy eating in conjunction with mouth breathing, that's something to get irate and pukey about.

Feet work hard. How can you be a runner and not appreciate feet!

11:54 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha ha Eva's comments are funny making me larf out loud on black Friday. I could bite my toe nails if I wanted, I can put my feet behind my head but I refrain as that is quite disturbing for onlookers. Plus eating toe nails is utterly yucky. How is the no nail eating going by the way?


12:21 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

I can put my feet behind my head but I refrain as that is quite disturbing for onlookers.

Very considerate. Imagine the flies.

12:24 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha ha, Twenty! you bastard, ha ha


12:42 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"Feet work hard. How can you be a runner and not appreciate feet!"

I appreciate them, but I can't bear them. Well, Like I said I can tolerate my own, just not everyone else's.

8:51 a.m.  
Anonymous SeaDreams said...

Well, there's yet another belief shot to hell.
May I point out your "interests" in your "complete profile"?
Get to know a good masseuse and a foot massage is Nirvana.

2:12 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Fear not! Ankles aren't feet.

4:48 p.m.  

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